Future Ex-Husband For Friday, December 7th

Bill Hader

Eight Crazy Nights

To all my Chosen People out there, Happy Hanukkah!! Although I'm not part of the Jew-Crew, considering I went to a Jewish preschool, I'd say that puts me somewhere between Madonna and Tori Spelling.

And for all those trying to live Green, Al Gore would like you to try and cut back to five nights of light instead of eight.

View Askew

The View has become the place where logic and common intelligence come to die. Just when I thought they couldn't sink any lower, Sherri Shepherd decided to bless the world with her vast knowledge of ancient history, expanding earlier on her revelation that the world may possibly be flat.

Who in the hell knows how, but the ladies got into a discussion involving the Greek philosopher Epicurus, who lived from 341 - 270 B.C. The best way to explain what happened next is just to show you a transcript:

Whoopi Goldberg: Keep in mind probably when he was around there was no Jesus going on.
Sherri Shepherd: No, they had Christians back then...They had Christians, they threw the to the lions.
Whoopi: I think this might predate that.
Joy Behar: They believed in polytheism.
Sherri: I don't think anything predated Christians.
Joy: No, the ancient Greeks were earlier. It went Greeks, Romans, then Christians.
Sherri: Jesus came first before them.
Whoopi: Not on paper.

Now, I can handle this kind of aggressive ignorance from a 5th grader, but a thirtysomething with children? She most likely thinks dinosaurs are fictional creatures created by the godless Jew Steven Spielberg. Gotta love "Midwestern values." (Sherri is from Chicago) Ugh, and people wonder why I'm so disillusioned by organized religion.

So What?! Part II

If I see any more press about Jennifer Love Hewitt's bikini "controversy" (apparently this is the sequel to the Tyra Banks swimsuit scandal earlier this year), I will throw my laptop in the fireplace. Apparently she's being criticized for having the audacity to not appear airbrushed in real life. Any woman without severe body dysmorphic disorder knows that it ain't her body that's the problem, its the bikini she's wearing. That thing would make Cindy Crawford look like a slug. I kind of think J-Lo-Hew did it on purpose, though. This is the most press she's gotten since Carson Daly.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is for Dave Chappelle to come out with something. A stand-up special, a CD, a cameo on 30 Rock, even just a cell phone commercial! Especially with the writers' strike, comedy is hanging on by a thread. You know its bad when your mother says, "Where's Dave Chappelle when you need him?" Put out the Dave-signal of a pack of menthols, we need your help!!

Counting Her Blessings

In January's Vanity Fair, Katherine Heigl once again shows us what a polite and charming young lady she is.

Apparently, she thought Knocked Up was a little sexist. You know, that movie that made her asking price go from $300,000 to $6 million:

“It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as goofy, fun-loving guys. It was hard for me to love the movie."

She doesn't seem to be much happier about Grey's Anatomy. You know, the show that made her career and earned her an Emmy:

“It was a ratings ploy,” she says. “I’m trying to figure her out and keep her real.”

Somebody please hire this woman a publicist. Every time she opens her mouth, an ungrateful bitch appears. And what's with her being on all these magazine covers? Everyone knows she peaked at My Father, The Hero.

Deceptum

Ashley Tisdale is the latest celeb to come clean about her fight against a disorder plaguing Hollywood: The Deviated Septum. Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, and Heidi Montag are only a small fraction of the suffering ladies who have bravely gone under the knife in search of a cure. We can only hope that someday they gain the ability to smell their own bullshit.

I'm Just Waiting For Zima To Make A Comeback

Given that so far in this decade, a Bush has been president, there's a shitstorm in Iraq, the economy sucks, and high-waisted pants and Dynasty frocks are all the rage again, I think its safe to say that this decade will be known as the "Deja-Vu Decade." Case-in-point: Eva Longoria seems to be sporting "The Rachel":

I'm Still Alive, Y'all!

"Happy Birf-day to me!! Ya'll I am 26, which is middle-aged!! But don't worry, I'm not gonna go through some freak-out like my daddy did, drivin' all crazy in a fancy sports car and gettin' nasty hairplugs. Oh...."

"And P.S. I am totally not pregnant. Like, 65% not pregnant. Everyone knows 65% is a D, so if I took a pregnancy test, I would totally pass it."