Future Ex-Husband For Friday, December 7th

Bill Hader

Eight Crazy Nights

To all my Chosen People out there, Happy Hanukkah!! Although I'm not part of the Jew-Crew, considering I went to a Jewish preschool, I'd say that puts me somewhere between Madonna and Tori Spelling.

And for all those trying to live Green, Al Gore would like you to try and cut back to five nights of light instead of eight.

View Askew

The View has become the place where logic and common intelligence come to die. Just when I thought they couldn't sink any lower, Sherri Shepherd decided to bless the world with her vast knowledge of ancient history, expanding earlier on her revelation that the world may possibly be flat.

Who in the hell knows how, but the ladies got into a discussion involving the Greek philosopher Epicurus, who lived from 341 - 270 B.C. The best way to explain what happened next is just to show you a transcript:

Whoopi Goldberg: Keep in mind probably when he was around there was no Jesus going on.
Sherri Shepherd: No, they had Christians back then...They had Christians, they threw the to the lions.
Whoopi: I think this might predate that.
Joy Behar: They believed in polytheism.
Sherri: I don't think anything predated Christians.
Joy: No, the ancient Greeks were earlier. It went Greeks, Romans, then Christians.
Sherri: Jesus came first before them.
Whoopi: Not on paper.

Now, I can handle this kind of aggressive ignorance from a 5th grader, but a thirtysomething with children? She most likely thinks dinosaurs are fictional creatures created by the godless Jew Steven Spielberg. Gotta love "Midwestern values." (Sherri is from Chicago) Ugh, and people wonder why I'm so disillusioned by organized religion.

So What?! Part II

If I see any more press about Jennifer Love Hewitt's bikini "controversy" (apparently this is the sequel to the Tyra Banks swimsuit scandal earlier this year), I will throw my laptop in the fireplace. Apparently she's being criticized for having the audacity to not appear airbrushed in real life. Any woman without severe body dysmorphic disorder knows that it ain't her body that's the problem, its the bikini she's wearing. That thing would make Cindy Crawford look like a slug. I kind of think J-Lo-Hew did it on purpose, though. This is the most press she's gotten since Carson Daly.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is for Dave Chappelle to come out with something. A stand-up special, a CD, a cameo on 30 Rock, even just a cell phone commercial! Especially with the writers' strike, comedy is hanging on by a thread. You know its bad when your mother says, "Where's Dave Chappelle when you need him?" Put out the Dave-signal of a pack of menthols, we need your help!!

Counting Her Blessings

In January's Vanity Fair, Katherine Heigl once again shows us what a polite and charming young lady she is.

Apparently, she thought Knocked Up was a little sexist. You know, that movie that made her asking price go from $300,000 to $6 million:

“It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as goofy, fun-loving guys. It was hard for me to love the movie."

She doesn't seem to be much happier about Grey's Anatomy. You know, the show that made her career and earned her an Emmy:

“It was a ratings ploy,” she says. “I’m trying to figure her out and keep her real.”

Somebody please hire this woman a publicist. Every time she opens her mouth, an ungrateful bitch appears. And what's with her being on all these magazine covers? Everyone knows she peaked at My Father, The Hero.

Deceptum

Ashley Tisdale is the latest celeb to come clean about her fight against a disorder plaguing Hollywood: The Deviated Septum. Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, and Heidi Montag are only a small fraction of the suffering ladies who have bravely gone under the knife in search of a cure. We can only hope that someday they gain the ability to smell their own bullshit.

I'm Just Waiting For Zima To Make A Comeback

Given that so far in this decade, a Bush has been president, there's a shitstorm in Iraq, the economy sucks, and high-waisted pants and Dynasty frocks are all the rage again, I think its safe to say that this decade will be known as the "Deja-Vu Decade." Case-in-point: Eva Longoria seems to be sporting "The Rachel":

I'm Still Alive, Y'all!

"Happy Birf-day to me!! Ya'll I am 26, which is middle-aged!! But don't worry, I'm not gonna go through some freak-out like my daddy did, drivin' all crazy in a fancy sports car and gettin' nasty hairplugs. Oh...."

"And P.S. I am totally not pregnant. Like, 65% not pregnant. Everyone knows 65% is a D, so if I took a pregnancy test, I would totally pass it."

Needle In The Hay

Does anyone else find Luke Wilson's attempted suicide scene in The Royal Tenenbaums almost unbearable to watch after the whole Owen Wilson thing? I just watched it for the first time since Owen's suicide attempt, and my heart literally hurt. After all, Owen did co-write that movie, so odds are he wrote Luke's scene. Life imitating art, indeed.

P.S. If I go out for Halloween this year, I'm definitely going as Margot Tenenbaum. It really fits my current state of mind.

Paging Dr. Burke

Let's face it, Grey's Anatomy just plain sucks ass without Dr. Preston Burke. Maybe it could've been pulled off if Dr. Addison Montgomery hadn't taken off to L.A. and morphed into some flaky Bridget Jones knock-off. They handled his departure well at the end of last season, but these first few episodes have been presented with giant, infected plot holes because they didn't give any closure to the void left behind.


Don't mistake this as any kind of sympathy for Isaiah Washington. He dug his own grave. (What makes him even weirder is that he played a gay man in Spike Lee's Get On The Bus) But the powers-that-be totally Bobby Knight-ed the situation by letting the whole thing drag on far too long and taking action almost past the point of relevance. Not to mention introducing new characters so irritating they induce both nausea and violent tendencies. Meredith, pretty, pretty please sucker-punch Lexie, just once. If not to avenge your a-hole Dad's abuse, do it to make me keep Grey's on my TiVo.

Jennifer Lopez Is A Liar

Jennifer Lopez performing in concert Wednesday, October 3rd.

Jennifer Lopez commenting on pregnancy rumors on September 20th:

“No, no! We get this every week! ...I don’t mind when people talk about this. I get the interest. I’m not the only [celeb] who gets these rumors"

Yeah, ok, and I'm emotionally stable.

Dopplegagger

Left: Jenna Jameson. Right: Amanda Lepore.


Keep in mind the one on the right is one of the most famous post-op trannies around. I'm told there is substantial video evidence proving the one on the left to be an actual female, but I'm still not convinced.

Wackypedia

For anyone who hasn't learned the hard way (such as Michael Scott on The Office), here is yet another reason to NEVER trust Wikipedia. Although I think it has replaced solitaire as the number one time-waster in the workplace.

Here's a clip from the episode of The Office referenced above:

A Very Merry Un-Birthday

I was disgusted when I watched a segment on CNN about twin girls who were born in NYC on September 11. Since you probably didn't see it, you can read the transcript here.

Woo! That's a kick-ass message to send to Al-Qaeda. Depriving your kids of their own birthday! Because the terrorists totally weren't trying to complicate or interrupt your lives.

I just don't understand the logic behind this. Celebrating the lives that were brought into this country despite the tragedy surrounding it is a much more fitting tribute than any cheesy montage set to a generic ballad. There is one birth every seven seconds. 12,343 people shouldn't have to live their lives differently because of their date of birth. Its not like they decided to make their way out so they could watch live coverage on CNN.

Ugh, I hope health care is better for the next generation, if only for all the therapy they're going to need.

Point: If you can't celebrate your birthday, the terrorists win.

Future Ex-Husband For Sunday, September 2nd

Chris Brown
The sheer awesomeness of this picture says it all.

Girly Confession

I have a confession, and I just have to get it out there. Anything having to do with the whole Jim-Pam saga on NBC's The Office brings me to the verge of tears every time. Never gets old. I consider myself to be one cynical, unromantic black hole, but for some reason this gets me every time.

Bridget Jones' Restraining Order

Across the pond, its nice to know that people are doing more than speculating on Amy Winehouse's substance abuse. An employee of the British Royal Mail was arrested last week for harassment of British actor Colin Firth. A repeat offender, the woman had recently applied for a transfer in order to be on his mail delivery route. She had also taken fan fiction a little too far on a popular Colin Firth fan site.

Now, I do not condone stalking in any way, shape, or form. It is a depraved and unhealthy form of activity that benefits no one. However, if there is one celebrity that you could understand wanting to stalk, Colin Firth is at the top of the list. He's just so...swoon-worthy, for lack of a better word. Not exactly a hot and heavy, naughty dream type. But a lovely daydream, sweep you off your feet fantasy type. His characters often represent the hope that true love and romance do actually exist. So, although this woman is probably just an insane, disgruntled postal worker, one does feel a little sympathy for her plight.

Source: Us Weekly

Rehab Isn't Just For Quitters

According to various questionable news outlets, Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test given by staff at Cirque Lodge, the rehab facility in Utah where she is currently receiving "treatment." Sources also report she was caught having sex with a male patient in a toilet stall (Whether this was Larry Craig I can neither confirm nor deny).

Man, this girl is a bullet train. If her work ethic was half as mighty as her determination to party, she would have three Academy Awards by now. Maybe even a Grammy. At this point, only death can stop her. Even in that case, I have my doubts. I could totally see her pulling a Weekend At Bernie's, with Paris and Nicole propping her up in front of her favorite table at Les Deux, and when Samantha Ronson spins some tunes, she magically comes alive again to take another shot and snort another line.

Future Ex-Husband For Friday, August 31st

Dan Black of The Servant

Deny, Deny, Deny

George Michael's kindred spirit, Larry Craig, is not gay. 100% not gay. As straight as they come. In fact, he's so not gay that he is now accusing the officer involved in his bathroom arrest of entrapment. Although, Craig initially pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct. I know that most anyone would plead guilty to a lesser charge even if they were innocent to begin with. Its basic animal instinct, people. Plus, that's just what a not gay person would do. And that's what Larry Craig is. Not gay. He's so not gay, I hear the folks over at Brawny are going to get rid of that lumberjack guy and put Larry Craig on the package.

Source: CNN

Caught Skank-Handed

This is kind of old but I don't care.



We've got a real-life Robin Hood on our hands: Stealing from the rich, giving to...his drug dealer. According to the New York Post, Kirsten Dunst was the recent victim of a burglary when two upstanding members of society broke into the PENTHOUSE (good to know all that money and privilege goes toward competent security) of the SoHo Grand Hotel early the morning of August 9th (we're just now hearing about it?), after she had left to film scenes on her latest film. They made off with several zillion-dollar handbags, $2,500 cash, credit cards, IDs, a cell phone, cameras, and an iPod. Caught on video surveillance, authorities arrested one suspect earlier this week at Brooklyn Supreme Court, where he was facing pending heroin-sale charges. A majority of the stolen items have since been recovered.


Now I would rarely wish anyone harm, but anyone who knows me well is aware of my...regard for Ms. Dunst. I just...ugh, have a substantial distaste for her. And it has nothing to do with Jake Gyllenhaal, though even if its true she was nothing more than his beard, it is substantially farther than I will ever hope to get with him before I die. Either way, though, it still sucks being burgled.

One thing they most definitely did not make off with were her bras, because homegirl obviously has not worn one in five years. It would be like going on a panty raid at Britney Spears' house. I get the whole free to be you and me, comfortable, au naturale look. But sometimes certain breasts just scream out for support. And lady, yours have been crying for help louder than Britney's babies. Did Gwyneth Paltrow's eye-scarring Oscar ensemble teach you nothing??

Future Ex-Husband For Thursday, August 23

Adrien Brody

While trying to find a picture of Jason Schwartzman (see earlier post), a few pictures of Adrien Brody popped up. And a crush was then reborn. Le sigh. Any snarky remarks about his nose, and I'll make yours look like his. Trust me, you wouldn't be able to pull it off.

Fluffy Hoosier

This is one of the many reasons I worship at the altar of the Daily Show. Check out "Operation Fluffy Bunny". Seriously, please check it out. It was a major pain in the ass just to get the link for the video (God forbid, Viacom, that anyone would actually want to give your programming free publicity!! ).

Operation Fluffy Bunny touches on many of my favorite things: the awesomeness of the whole Iraq situation, the brilliant observations of politicians, and the unique wisdom of the Midwest, specifically Indiana. It all peaks at such a level of ridiculousness that you have no choice but to laugh, or else you'll always be crying. That's the only way I managed to survive my twenty-few years in the Hoosier state (well, there was some crying involved).

Finally Back

image via indieWIRE

No, I didn't abandon the whole blogging thing after just one day. (Pat myself on the back for that one, considering how many "brilliant ideas" have seldom lasted more than 36 hours) I was held up with a wicked sick case of bloody nose for a few days (there is such a thing as too much allergy medicine), and then I was traveling to the family compound, from where I am now writing. I tried to find a picture of Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore (the part where he has a Kleenex shoved up his gloriously ginormous nostril) to attempt a humorous portrayal of my nasal ailment, but no go. Instead, I'm posting a still from the upcoming Wes Anderson movie The Darjeeling Limited. Please, oh please, don't suck as badly as "The Life Aquatic" did. To be honest, I never actually saw the film, but only because everyone who did was so disappointed. I would rather be ignorant with my bliss in his past films.

Dopplegagger

Left: Britney Spears, sans extensions for the first time since shaving her head. Right: Tyne Daly, as Mary Beth Lacey.

Jokes aside, Ma Dearest needs to keep rockin' the au naturale look. Her hair looks healthy for the first time in almost a decade. Still needs to work on the dead eyes though. Maybe she can have her old extensions woven into a sleep mask.

Happy Birthday, Sis!!

I can't end the day without wishing a big Happy Birthday to my sister, who is, um...four years older than me today!! In her honor, I post her fave pin-up, Eva Mendes.

Yo, sis, when I come home in a couple days: You + Me + Superbad = It's On!!! (We both have major jailbait love for Michael Cera)

Future Ex-Husband For Monday, August 20th

DISCLAIMER: This daily entry is sometimes serious, sometimes completely sarcastic. I'll let you interpret as you wish. I also take requests. (Leave requests in comments section)


Michael Lohan



Back on the market, baby!! I tried, in vain, to find the picture of him wearing a sheer button-down (I think it was featured in an issue of People circa Lindsay's...second? rehab stay). You just don't see class of that caliber in the Midwest.

Bouncing [Checks] Here And There And Everywhere

Image: Splash

Everyone's favorite waste-of-space, oil heir Jason Davis, is apparently having his pipeline shut off. According to Page Six, Jason (affectionately known as "Gummi Bear") and his equally despicable (though less Reubenesque) brother, Brandon (affectionately known as "Fat Elvis") have finally been cut off by the family. Getting any good ideas, Grandpa Hilton? They've resorted to "cashing checks in small amounts" around Hollywood.

Now, Brandon is most famous for his infamous "Firecrotch" rant during which, among other things, he accuses Lindsay Lohan of being poor since she's only worth "about seven million [dollars]." So I'm wondering just how small are these check amounts? Until I see one of them crying at the Jewel checkout because his $6.99 check for a sixer of Zima won't clear, I'll sleep at night knowing their livelihood is not in jeopardy.

Additionally, I don't think I'll be referring to Jason as "Gummi Bear." Gummi Bears are a delicious confection, not to mention an endearing Disney animated series. So I'd rather not associate that term with someone who embodies at least five of the seven deadly sins. Besides, I think "Fat Elton" is far more appropriate. It keeps the bloated musician theme in the family, and he is the spitting image of Horatio Sanz's SNL embodiment of Elton John.

Speaking of Horatio Sanz (I know, I'm all over the place on this one, suck it up), as far as Jimmy Fallon potentially taking over Conan O'Brien's time slot, the ONLY way it would work is if Horatio plays Andy Richter to Jimmy's Conan. Jimmy forgetting his lines and giggling like a 10 year-old girl is only endearing if Horatio is there to giggle with him.

J. Lo: Mami Warbucks?

I knew it!

According to today's Awful Truth column on E!Online, J.Lo may not live up to the diva betch reputation so often associated with her. According to Ted Casablanca (LOVE him!):

Did you know La Lopez always sees to it to pay her hair and makeup peeps directly—and then waits to get reimbursed by whatever projects she’s working on—so the fashionable worker bees don’t have to get caught waiting in endless check-stalling red tape? Who knew? [source]

I always maintained that Jenny was just a misunderstood workaholic. While I hate to whine the whole double-standard tired argument, I do agree that a man wouldn't necessarily be considered a superdeck if he worked as hard as she has. Well, except for Harvey Weinstein. And Donald Trump. And...er, nevermind. Point is, I know for a fact that certain billion-dollar cosmetic empires don't even bother to pay their artists in a timely manner . Trust. So, J. Pez, I salute you. Your zillion-person entourage is well deserved. Just remember not to put too many on the payroll. See: Hammer, M.C.

Let's Start From The Very Beginning

Alright, since this is my first entry, I suppose I need to explain myself (in case anyone actually reads this). I'm a twenty-something in Chicago, in search of gainful employment, and finally accepting that I've pretty much been a miserable mess since puberty. Therefore, I'm attempting to take a more positive outlook towards life (hence Life Is Half Full). Blogging seems to bring about some sort of temporary euphoria, and I spend way too much time reading other blogs without bothering to record my own thoughts. And if those thoughts include belittling celebrity or world events, so be it. Yeah, it does make me feel better, and I think as long as I admit it, I'm in the clear. Suck on it.

But feel free to suck on it in a light-hearted, Statler and Waldorf-esque manner. That's the tone I'm aiming for. Beware of constant Muppet references, really one of my great loves.